Don’t Take Your Health For Granted

PLEASE DON’T EVER TAKE YOUR HEALTH FOR GRANTED!!! 

I feel sick to my stomach out of fear as I write this asking for help because I have always dealt with everything on my own but I feel like I am drowning in my own tears and I need all the positivity I can get right now.

Finding the good from nonstop all day everyday pain sometimes just feels impossible especially being stuck basically bed-bound in the dark for over 3 years and counting. Add on depression, fatigue, & not being able to be outside during the winter because the cold sends pain thru your entire body like you are trapped naked in an avalanche and you start to lose all hope…you start to loose yourself and who you once were feels lost forever. 

How do you not feel trapped like the walls are closing in around you and how do you not feel alone because no one you know can relate to the pain and struggles you deal with every single second of every single day. How do you not feel fear for your life because you have an unknown illness that even on your rare good days is still there haunting you and it never goes away. 

Everyone thinks this will help or that will help but no one really knows what is wrong and no one has been able to make the unrelenting pain go away. No matter what you try to get better nothing works and you are left with dwindling hope and so afraid that you will be this way forever. 

How do you live in the present when your life isn’t even a life anymore. When you think of the past, you mourn who you once were and thinking of the future leaves you crippled in fear. 

How can you have a life when you lost the person you once were and all you have left are memories of fun and good times with friends but now you are left with what feels like nothing because it is a struggle to even leave the house. And when you can manage to get enough energy to do something, you are usually faking a smile so no one sees how much pain you are in because it is embarrassing and it makes people uncomfortable and you try to hide how you really feel…weak, sad, and hurting. All this hiding because you are afraid that if people knew how bad your life really is that they won’t want to be around you anymore so you only see people on your good days and hope you don’t scare them away. When you don’t like yourself the way you are then how can anyone else like you and want to spend time with the pathetic in pain & depressed girl. Constant pain makes you feel so vulnerable and so alone and it makes you feel like the whole world is against you because you no longer feel like you fit in.

How do you not feel completely worthless when you can’t even have a job because the pain is so debilitating? How are you supposed to feel good about yourself when you are at a standstill while the world around you is continuing normally but you can’t be a part of it. How are you supposed to live when your body is failing you every day. I didn’t choose to live this way but I am stuck with all the pain and sadness anyway. 

I keep reading books and articles that tell you how to live with pain & depression and how to stay optimistic, I go to therapy, and I keep trying to stay positive but how can you be positive all the time when life is repeatedly kicking your ass. Pain 24/7 is seriously hard shit to deal with for such a long period of time and all I can do is hope and pray but it gets harder everyday. 

What do you do when it keeps getting harder to find strength and you are just tired. So tired of trying to stay positive and so tired of fighting what feels like something you can’t win. How do you get yourself to continue to see the light when you are literally always surrounded by darkness. This is so heartbreakingly hard and I wouldn’t wish constant chronic pain on anyone. The little hope I have left for a normal life is the only thing getting me through each day. 

Where can I find more hope & more positivity because it is so exhausting continuously having a battle in my head and constantly fighting to not let the negative thoughts take over all day every day. Where is my peace and where is my joy? How do I find happiness when all I feel is pain? All I can do is keep trying, keep fighting, & try to stay strong. 

Please pray for me or send me some good vibes because this winter hibernation I am stuck in is making me feel like I am going crazy and although I hate asking for help I could really really use some extra positivity right now. 

Normally being such a positive person, it feels totally out of my comfort zone to post pictures other than of me smiling and feeling pretty with makeup on but I feel like it isn’t authentic since my life feels like an emotional roller coaster right now. We all deal with pain, grief, and sadness in different ways and it is usually behind closed doors but sometimes we could probably all use some extra positivity and encouragement to get through our deepest darkest times. Although posting pictures full of emotion isn’t usually my thing, I just feel like I needed to since life is so precious and I want people to know that we are all here in this world trying to do our best with the hand we have been dealt but because that can change at any second, please live life to the fullest every day.

I feel like it isn’t really socially something people do to share their fears and emotions with the whole world but strength in numbers can change someone’s outlook so why shouldn’t we be able to ask for help when we are scared and tired. I don’t want to be afraid to share my story and I don’t want to keep hiding during my difficult time. Pain, sadness, & crying are things we all experience and when the burden feels too heavy to carry, as scared, embarrassed, or as hard as it might be, I hope that we can all not be afraid to speak up when we are hurting and feeling alone.

I usually do such a kickass job of being positive but every now and then my emotions get the best of me out of fear and also because daily pain is exhausting both physically and emotionally. I have lots of support around me but sometimes we just need an extra dose of positivity or to see things from a new perspective to get the strength to keep fighting.

Please send me positivity, encouragement, or pray for me to heal and stay positive. I hope that something good that comes out my struggles can be to one day be an inspiration and help others who are going through hard times and be able to pay forward all the things I am learning on my journey.